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“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered. Friendship - social exchange theory, equity theory, relational dialectics, and attachment styles. What value do your friendships bring into your life? Who is it that you are sure of? With the rise of social media friendships can be defined or erased with one click or categorisation. Like for a shout out! Share, bare your soul on chat to just one person or surround yourselves with the anecdotes of hundreds, even thousands. This morning's article on Linked in... I've just tried to find it again to post a link but like many BFO's I've missed the moment it's gone replaced by a whole stream of new influencers out to share with us the best tips to living a better life - the gist of it was how to grow your social profile - the writer gains some 300 connections a day with the preferred means being linked in and twitter. Their facebook page sits around 3000, their twit feed 50, 000. I realised in comparison, how few friends I have. I was an only child for 15 years until my fab half siblings entered the picture, I'm all good with time on my own. Crave it, seek it at times. Until I'm the lonely child and then I realise my team sport skills suck, my ability to share my toys is non existent, I struggle not to be judgemental or to play fair. I may not let friends know how much I care. “It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” Some friends we will DO anything to stay in touch. We drop everything when they ring, travel the globe to be near them. It maybe a party or an emergency, or just because we and they exist. These connections define our boundaries of engagement. How close we are, the things we share, the friends that we hope still care. These are the connections that remain even when we are years apart. Maybe we can't be there with them each and every time, yet we know we love them. When we do link up we pick up where we left off. After years or lifetimes as though no space exists between us at all. Those to whom our behavior needs no explanation. Who seem to not even notice when we can't show up, who put up when we stuff up . Those that send us pictures of cinnabon, can get our attention with a yeah yeah yeah. Those who turn up for a coffee and to pick up some pumpkins just because they know that you want them around today, without having to say why or when just because you are friends. They may not be like us, the can come from all stages of life - first friends, school friends old or new friends. The connection is not determined by how long, how well or how we know each other ...it just is. The treasures of the 4 am-ers is insurmountable we may have loved together, grieved together, lived or worked together. These are the wet your pants laughing kind of friendships, the memories we carry through eternity friendships. The ones that know what, who and how we love. The ones we hope to die before so that we may never have to grieve their loss. Our bff's, partners, husbands, wives, kids, cousins, siblings, pets, lady in the village dairy, neighbours, or clients for some reason the bond is unbreakable. We may have met through another friend. Affair like guilt that we connect - what is it that makes us get on so well? A past life link, soul group, mutual passion for Patron or a longing to be in club orange? Will you be my friend? “Why did you do all this for me?' he asked. 'I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you.' 'You have been my friend,' replied Charlotte. 'That in itself is a tremendous thing.” Some of our friendships are surprising, the heights they take us , the experiences they bring to our lives, the risk of being so close to each other that we risk harm. The times we realise we really do get along and have things that each of us value to exchange. We don't need to talk or network or gain anything other than the experience of being together. These are precious moments in friendship and in time. We don't need to tell each other about them, we don't need to affirm that we are there for each other we just are in the moment DO-ing what it is that friends DO together. Hanging as friends hang, sharing a moment, a laugh, a secret handshake. A love or loathe of something or someone. The things that bind us are as diverse as our friendships themselves. “I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.” Helen Keller This morning I may have walked with some of my most enjoyable friends yet the weather was iffy and my mood doubly so - I went alone or so I thought until I looked around and saw my furry friends, mans best friend, my fur babies those I hug and cry on, run and roll with, care and pet. I thought of friends past, friends new and friends that I miss even though we see each other often. After my walk I went for breakfast - alone and ran into my village. Friends from work, friends from my children's class, friends I've met at parties and friendships that were not meant to last. The warmth of prospective friendships from those new to our town, friends I did not want to bother because they looked so wrapped in their own lives on days off , at home or work, no doubt busy with all the things a day brings. It made me realise I was very alone. You come in alone and go out alone and anything in between is a blessing. To the diversity of my friendships, for all the lessons you have learnt me, for all the moments we have laughed and cried I thank you. I disagree with social exchange theory that there must be costs and rewards before we exchange friendship. That the value of our friendship is how far it will take us or what it will make us. I disagree with attachment style, with dialetics, equity theory - I negate the science. The best thing about friendship is the magic of it, the not knowing really how or why it works at all. The understanding that our friends turn up when we least expect them, when we probably deserve them least of all. That the bucket is bottomless and that friendships are one of life's most precious gifts. That you never really know who will be your friend until they are. Until they turn up where or when you need them. When you reach out a hand and they are there, in the light or the dark waiting, ready to share. Value friendship it's everywhere. Why is it," he said, one time, at the subway entrance, "I feel I've known you so many years?"
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There's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, Mothers Day - impacts us all, perhaps you are a mother, have lost your mother, love or wonder who was your mother. Mothers Day is the day to reflect on her and you and what it is that that means. Are you my mother? Was a Dr Suess story bought to life this autumn when a one day old baby chicken entered our home and imprinted on our labrador bitch. Both black. Her big, warm and convieniently close. It... small, cold and ready to attach - was all it took to form that bond. Our relationships with our mothers maybe all defining or over before they really happened. The times are a changing as to how we think our mothers need to look, act, dress or how many of them we have. I'm surrounded by loving examples of how there is no one cookie cutter shape of a mum. Gorgeous girl friends in same sex partnerships who have three babies between them. More gorgeous girlfriends who are providing homes for life for children whose birth mothers lack the skills to raise them safely, and yet more gorgeous girl friends who have chosen to become mothers alone. The right man hasn't appeared at the right time but the urge for motherhood has pushed that boat out there. There are surrogate mothers for those who can't carry babies, there are foster mothers for those who need a short term replacement. There are other equally gorgeous creatures who have chosen or been unable to become mothers to their own children yet their worlds are still full of mothering. To nieces, nephews, fur babies, step children or friends. Because every human at times need a mothers love given naturally and generously. We all know how to do it because we all have mothers - even those who would have chosen their mothers to show more warmth, to be more available or less controlling are adept at being a mum in the moment when its needed to whoever happens along. Some mothers are even male. Mothering is a skill set not a sex, not a right, not an absolute. You can become one yet be no good at it or not be one yet excell. To be a mother is an enigma. Then of course there are our own mothers. The person who gave us life. Biological and irreplaceable. The ovum donar. The woman who kept you and birthed you. Who grew you in her body and bought you into this world alive. The ones we love with all our hearts - well I do mine. Thanks mum - happy mothers day. xx There are the mothers we aquire through living. The god mothers, the step mothers, the othermothers, the mother superiors, the earth mothers, the soul mothers, the grand and great grand mothers, the mother in laws. I have such a beautiful and vibrant collection of them I am so blessed. And I value each and every other mother that is in my three daughters lives too. And I rest easier knowing that if I am gone there are still others who can mother my babies and give them a mothers love. Each mother birth, found or fallen - fills a role and has an imprint as tactile as that of baby chick and the big black lab. How a mum looks and acts has become so free form. A yummy mummy or mumsie. A mummys boy or teen mom. Each wears societies costume of how one is meant to act. You can stay at home or be a supermum. Be a single mum or a doting mum. You can be mother help or believe that mums the word. You can stuff it up, sort it out or walk away from it altogther. You are still a mum. It's the best and hardest job I have. My three daughters to two fathers and plus some very precious children and fur babies I've collected along the way. I love them all. To be a mum is to have your heart walk around outside your body for the rest of your life. Nothing can make you more irrate or fill you with more love than a child that you love with a mother love. It takes a village to raise a child and I certainly couldn't raise mine without my village. This blog is dedicated to those mums who are today in heaven. Mothers Day is all the harder for your children, your mothers and all who would love to call you today, send you a card or take you out for mothers day brunch - we miss you more than ever today. We who are still here send you love and hope that there is truth to angels and pennies from heaven. So that you can deliver to those who are still on earth. To all mums, the new ones, the old ones and the bold ones. Mothers day is a blunt reminder to those who would celebrate with mums who may just be to far away. That each and every mother should be valued today. Here on earth as it is in heaven. Love your mums x Social Engineering, Human economics - both topics of research on our family jaunt to the Sunshine Coast. A holiday is always a journey. Gigantean leaps in awareness and evolution of life skills that take some assimilation when re-entering the mainstream. Today's blog topic is "Betterness". A new wave of business thinking? Or a habit for a life line? Hitting the Arrow, 500 emails, a snag with the GST return, and missing the school bus yesterday was as brisk a wake up call as diving into the river literally. I sat in the rainbow lit spa, Rainbow beach on Monday night attempting to commit to cell memory what HOT felt like. Two weeks of sunshine, bikinis, beaches, tropical fruit and relaxation hopefully imprinting the DNA before the 18 hour trek home to a -7 degree frost and the cold metallic barrel of a long hard winter where making swede a delicacy lies before me. Your soaking in it - mantra. The urge to push myself under, to stay longer, to avoid coming back was tantalising close. The Plantation Resort had apartments for sale - A dual lifestyle beckoned. If animals had passports we could be there now. Cultural flexibility skills kicked in and we made ourselves taste everything about that option, exploring all we could of our surroundings to make sure the Disneyland effect could fade and we could see without our rainbow coloured glasses on. They slid to the end of our noses. BFO's for me always come from what we souvenir when away from the norm. A multitude of tips from holiday reading - Betterness: Economics for Humans by Umair Haque, will mix it up with dreams from Night Circus - Erin Morgenstern and a more fragrant home thanks to buddha bum frangipani and lemon grass scented candles, gifts from my kids. For them the priority carry on luggage included a sand dollar, four clip on koalas, super hero outfits, new swimmers and thongs demonstrating belief in the future, whimsy and wonder not that different to my own take home items. In a workshop I developed back in 1900 & 90 something - "small world" we explore the topic of culture shock and how to deal with it. I'm always fascinated when you arrive at a new place how the colours are bright, the smells and sounds enticing and all the fashion in the shops has an AMAZING MUST HAVE NOW kind of influencer. By the time you immerse in it all, roll around a bit and suck on the juicy bits you realise that you are so over things with studs on them you can manage to not own any except for those already in your snow tires. Fascinare - means to cast a spell. To take the essence of what you are looking at and immerse in it. To look and learn, to become engaged with things again. How long has it been since you have changed your environment? Immersed in a new world and got over excited about things from another perspective. Dived into the void and swum in things unfamiliar. Stepped out of your comfort zone and looked at what you would like to DO better or instead of what you are DO-ing now ? When was the last time you sucked on something new? Smelt it, dealt it kind of living. It would appear that those in the land of OZ are so much better at things than us Kiwis. Across the ditch they dress smart, smile, welcome you, joke with you, enjoy and cater for children and respect the flags - they genuinely seem to like their jobs and going to work each day. My "oh I know so much better than you" persona has decided that Australia may be yet to experience it's GFC. Things seem over geared and a little fragile. Retail down, cash rates changing, resorts in receivership proving tempting to buy though development may never ever ever get it back together. There is a smell like a dead rat in the rafter, like something has crept inside to hide from the winter and eaten up large on handouts. You can't quite place where the smell is coming from; it's almost sickly sweet... but you know somehow in your gut it has potential to get a lot worse before it gets better. How DO we make things better? Umair Haque has inspired me to toss out the mission and vision statements, objectives and strategies of doing business and to get jiggy with ambition, intention, constraints and imperatives. Good thing my business isn't called "objectives unlimited" anymore because that is so last century. The Night Circus has challenged my perspective on black and white, its entered my dream state and cast a spell. The DO party animal in me craves a Night Circus event. Contact me if you have an ambition for one too. I intend to find more ways to weave magic in daily life to invest in human potential and to correct the effects of old school ways of doing business - no pursuits that lead to diminishing the common wealth: widening economic inequality, the depletion of the natural world, and more. To get out of this trap, we need to rethink the future of human exchange, we can be inspired by our values and intentions and impose on ourselves limits of what we will DO and not DO. We can become more aware of the mechanics holding the game together and D.A.R.E to DO things another way. Engaging all our senses and sensibilities. Reaching inwards to find the human potential and immersing in things that delight our senses. We can become more child like on our journey. Trust that the future will be warm and welcoming, that treasure can be found where ever you go and that first step to being a superhero is to look the part. There is definite climate change amongst us. The world is experiencing rising anxiety. It may be as easy as tapping it out with Brad Yates on you tube. It may be as simple as taking a break to get better. Winter learning workshops with me supporting you with what to DO next will certainly engage the senses and warm up human potential - I'm back at the desk and charging ahead with gay abandon. Come join my circus and play. |
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